I know in my last post I said that I was going to keep up better with posting, but it didn't happen. My depression is not good and the medicines are not working. My psychiatrist has put me back on medicines that I have previously taken. I am sad all the time and can not find the joy of things. I feel like I am falling in a black hole. I can see the top, but it's like I am freefalling. I don't want to hit the bottom. My psychiatrist is sending me for an ECT consultation. From what I understand, it's like getting the reset button in your brain reset. I am willing to try anything at this point. I can't keep feeling like this. It's starting to affect all my relationships. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. I don't know which is worse, my depression or my bi-polar. It's kind of a toss up at this point. I hope that none of my kids get depression or bi-polar. Unfortunately, it's genetic. I just hope that they all take after Scott in the emotions department.
This weekend we are in Atlanta. Scott has to help one of his branches move to a new location. While he is helping that branch move, the kids and I are going to see the house and town where we used to live. I wish that Scott would get transferred back here. I am sure that once I see Loganville, I am going to long for it even more. I must admit, it's nice to get away even if it's just for the weekend.
This coming week is full of appointments. On Tuesday, I have the ECT consultation. On Wednesday, I have a dental checkup. On Friday, I have my bladder specialist appointment. I may not want to do anything, but having appointments keeps me on the go. It gives me something to look forward to. If I had my way, I would just curl up in bed and sleep.
I know that there are people in the world worse off than me, but I can't shake the sadness. It's hard for the kids to see me cry and not be able to tell them why I am crying. Or having a lot of anger and yelling at everyone. You can only apologize so many times before the apology has no meaning. My family has been understanding so far, but how long will it last?
Another depressing time is coming up. July18th....a day that I wish I could forget. July 18, 2012 will be the 11th anniversary of Savannah's passing. It's so hard for me on that day. If I could just go to sleep in June and wake up in August, I would be happy. I just wonder what she would be like and who she would look like. I still remember that day like it was yesterday. I still blame myself because I didn't take care of myself and I took the pregnancy for granted.
Wow this post is longer that I thought it would be. Here's hoping for a good week.....at least bearable.
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