Testing...Testing

I added a new photo to my blog and want to see if it is working.  This is a test, only a test.

3rd Times a Charm

Well I went for my ECT consultation.  It was interesting and informative.  On a depression scale, I scored 40.  That is high considering it should be below 10.  With all the information they gathered from my psychiatrist and myself, they determined that I am a candidate for ECT.  I have to get a physical, bloodwork, EKG, and clearance from my doctor before anything can be done.  I got my physical, bloodwork, and EKG yesterday.  Hopefully everything will work out and I will get clearance to begin ECT. ECT helps 70% of severely depressed people and many don't need medicine after treatment.   The doctor said that it would take 6 - 12 treatments which equates to 2 - 4 weeks.  I am optimistic that it will help.  It can't hurt to try.

Yesterday, I also went to the dentist.  I can't remember the last time that I have been.  I know that is bad on my part espcially considering we have dental insurance.  But it seems like everytime I go, I have to get something done in addition to the cleaning.  I am happy to report that I didn't have any cavaties.  But unhappy to report that one of my fillings was cracked and had to be replaced.  However on a good note, Dr. Leary was able to fix it yesterday as well.

I am doing not so bad on trying to lose 10 pounds.  I haven't gotten on a scale so I don't know if I have lost any weight yet.  One positive side to my depression, is that I don't want to eat.  I know starving is not a healthy way to lose weight, but I just don't feel like forcing myself to eat.  I need to get on the weight loss plan that my Mom is using.  She has been diagnosed as prediabetic and told to lose weight.  Her doctor put her on a 1200 calorie a day regimen.  I need to increase my water intake and reduce my tea intake.

Our pool got another hole in it from rubbing against the bricks.  Scott doesn't know if he can patch it.  It was nice having a pool to cool off in, but with this second hole getting in it from the bricks on the back porch it may not be able to be repaired.  Hopefully he can patch it and we can get back to swimming.  Not only does it cool you off, it is also good exercise. 

I am on a roll this week....three blogs.  I just can't sleep and I don't care to just stare at the ceiling.  Why not be productive while I can't sleep.  I am just amazed at all the things that depression affects.  Sleep, appetite, energy, concentration, and focus.  Well on that note, I am going to close this entry. 

Twice in one week.....I'm on a roll

I'm on a roll.  Two posts in one week, I'm on a roll.  This weekend was nice as we went out of town.  We took the family to Atlanta, GA.  Scott had to work, so we tagged along.  While Scott was working the kids and I went to visit the old town where we lived.  Some parts had really changed, while other parts looked the same.  It was weird riding by our old house and seeing someone living there.  Christopher enjoyed it because we showed him where he was born.  It was a nice trip down memory lane.  The kids enjoyed it as well. 

We stayed at a nice hotel.  One positive was that the pool was open until Midnight.  We could enjoy nightly swims and with the exception of last night, we had the pool and whirlpool to ourselves.  Another perk was free breakfast.

Today we went to the World of Coke.  It was nice and informative.  We got to taste Coke products from around the world.  The drinks from Africa were yucky!  I do know that I prefer Coke.  I do have blisters on my feet from all the walking we did today and yesterday.  Yesterday, we went to North Point Mall.  Ashleigh got to go to the American Girl Doll store.  It was neat to see all the dolls from the catalogue up close.  Being in that store was like having the catalogue come to life.  I got 2 pairs of shoes from the Sketchers store and some Godiva chocolates.  Christopher got a Build A Bear; Alexander got a mini Auburn basketball;  Benjamin got a Giants Superbowl t-shirt; and Scott got a pair of Sketchers and an Auburn t-shirt.  Overall it was a fun trip.

I wish that I was in better shape.  Having all this extra weight slows me down.  It's something that I need to work on.  Maybe the kids and I will start taking walks.  They don't need to lose weight but the exercise will be good for all of us.  I have set a goal of losing 10 pounds.  That is not unrealistic and it is achieveable. 

My ECT consultation is 2 days away.  I am ready for that appointment.  I really think that ECT could help.  It can't hurt to try.  I just need to remember to write down my medicines and the names of the physicians treating me. 

Well I am going to close this post as I am tired from the trip.  My eyes are heavy and want to close, so I am going to quit fighting it.  And remember tomorrow is a new day with new possibilities!

Way too long! June 23, 2012

I know in my last post I said that I was going to keep up better with posting, but it didn't happen.  My depression is not good and the medicines are not working.  My psychiatrist has put me back on medicines that I have previously taken.  I am sad all the time and can not find the joy of things.  I feel like I am falling in a black hole.  I can see the top, but it's like I am freefalling.  I don't want to hit the bottom.  My psychiatrist is sending me for an ECT consultation.  From what I understand, it's like getting the reset button in your brain reset.  I am willing to try anything at this point.  I can't keep feeling like this.  It's starting to affect all my relationships.  I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.  I don't know which is worse, my depression or my bi-polar.  It's kind of a toss up at this point.  I hope that none of my kids get depression or bi-polar.  Unfortunately, it's genetic. I just hope that they all take after Scott in the emotions department. 

This weekend we are in Atlanta.  Scott has to help one of his branches move to a new location.  While he is helping that branch move, the kids and I are going to see the house and town where we used to live.  I wish that Scott would get transferred back here.  I am sure that once I see Loganville, I am going to long for it even more.  I must admit, it's nice to get away even if it's just for the weekend. 

This coming week is full of appointments.  On Tuesday, I have the ECT consultation.  On Wednesday, I have a dental checkup.  On Friday,  I have my bladder specialist appointment.  I may not want to do anything, but having appointments keeps me on the go.  It gives me something to look forward to.  If I had my way, I would just curl up in bed and sleep. 

I know that there are people in the world worse off than me, but I can't shake the sadness.  It's hard for the kids to see me cry and not be able to tell them why I am crying.  Or having a lot of anger and yelling at everyone.  You can only apologize so many times before the apology has no meaning.  My family has been understanding so far, but how long will it last?

Another depressing time is coming up.  July18th....a day that I wish I could forget.  July 18, 2012 will be the 11th anniversary of Savannah's passing.  It's so hard for me on that day.  If I could just go to sleep in June and wake up in August, I would be happy.  I just wonder what she would be like and who she would look like.  I still remember that day like it was yesterday.  I still blame myself because I didn't take care of myself and I took the pregnancy for granted. 

Wow this post is longer that I thought it would be.  Here's hoping for a good week.....at least bearable. 

Thursday, May 17,2012

I am trying to get better at posting more often.  My therapist says that I should keep a journal or online blog.  I have decided to keep the online blog as I can type faster than I write.  I don't know if I will keep up,  but I am trying to think positive.  I want to keep the negative, depressive thoughts out of my head.  Right now it feels like the depression is winning, but I am determined to show it whose boss.  I feel like I am in the black hole where I can see the light at the top of the hole, but I am free falling and can't feel the bottom.  I don't want to feel the bottom.  Hopefully, I will be able to stop the falling and pull myself out.  I have also decided to start riding my recumbent bicycle again.  I am going to try for 3 times a week, but I am going to start with a small goal of just 10 minutes.  The sweating and endorphines should also help to keep my depression at bay. 
On a very positive note, the dining room is completely unpacked, organized, and set up.  It only took me 3 months, but I did it.  Yea for me!  Baby steps instead of leaps and bounds.  Now just to get the rest of the house cleaned and organized.  I also need to get the laundry caught up. 
Saturday, Ashleigh and I will be having our Mother - Daughter Day.  I don't know what we are doing yet.  I have no idea and can't think of anything.  Hopefully she will have some ideas so we don't end up spending the whole day at home.
Well I am going to end the entry before my battery on my laptop dies.  And remember.....tomorrow is a new day with new possibilities!

Getting My Life Back in Order

     I can't believe that 4 months has passed since my last post.  What can I say, except that I have been slack.  I started this Blog to be my online journal, but haven't done a good job of keeping it up.  Hopefully with the help of an additional med, I will be better with journaling.  So much has happened since the last post.  We got another Oldsmobile Silhouette minivan.  Scott has parked the Suburban and not soon enough as the Head Gasket blew.  Next we moved to Gastonia.  Now we are close to the kids' school.  We are in between the elementary campus and secondary campus.  The house is nice and for the first time, each of the kids have their own bedroom.  I have been a slacker as the house isn't fully unpacked yet.  But that is going to change this weekend.  Yesterday, I was able to get my desk unpacked and organized.  Then last night, I was able to get my dresser and nightstand pier, unpacked and organized.  Slowly, but surely it is happening.  I will be so glad when the carboard boxes are totally gone.  I am tired of seeing boxes.  Earlier this week, I with the help of the kids were able to get the hutch unpacked and organized.  This weekend is to finish the house and get all the laundry done and caught up. 
     Back to getting my life in order.  I am set on getting back to the organized person that I used to be.  I don't know what happened to me, but I lost my way.  I am hoping that the LPC that I am going to see next Thursday can help me with my motivation and organization.  I am going to think positively that he can.  It can't hurt to go and see what he has to say.  My focus is not where it needs to be either.  I have drifted my thoughts many times writing this post, but I am able to re-focus and write some more. 
     Well my thoughts are all over the place now, so I am going to close this post.  And remember, tomorrow is a new day with endless possibilities!

It's Been Awhile

It's been awhile since my last post, so I figured it was time to blog.  Let's see....I got a new job as a Customer Service Agent in September, but had to  resign in January because my Mother-in-Law would no longer watch the kids.  That was a bummer because the extra money truly came in handy.  I also found out on January 13th, that I completely fractured the small bone in my leg, near my ankle.  So I am in a walking cast and will be for about 6 weeks.  Other than that, we have been spending our weekends cleaning and organizing the garage, getting rid of clothes that are too small, and getting rid of VHS tapes.  We have been making a lot of donations to Goodwill.  I have lost count of the number of 30 gallon bags that we have donated.  It's amazing how much junk you keep because it supposedly means something, but then after years it just doesn't hold that meaning anymore.  We are getting close to having our taxes done.  Hopefully the W2's don't take forever to get here.  I was able to print one off of the internet, now just to wait for Penske and Corestaff.  Last year Corestaff's W2 was the last to arrive.  We'll see if the same holds true this year.  The kids are doing good in school and this school year is already 1/2 over.  In a little less than 2 months, we will have two teenagers in the house.  Benjamin has the chance to take Driver's Ed, but I don't know how I feel about it.  I think because of his size, he isn't big enough to drive.  Ashleigh got new blue glasses and they look really good.  She has been wearing them since she got them, so hopefully it is a trend that will continue.  Christopher is reading on a 3rd grade level.  I am amazaed to sit and listen to him read.   He is doing good at getting green this year, but he still gets an occassional yellow.  He has a best friend named Shawn.  Guess what?  I also had to order glasses.  It appears that I had to get Bi-Focals because I am unable to see far and near.  I got the progressive bi-focal lenses, those are ones that don't show the line.  I also found out that I have an astigmatisim, which bascially means my eyes are shaped like footballs instead of basketballs.  I am mad because the expensive sheets that I bought, got 3 holes in them after being washed.  It really pissed me off because I almost paid $100 for them.  Now I have to return the sheets, wait for them to be received, and hope that they can send me another set.  You would think for the money, holes wouldn't have developed after 1 wash.  Oh well, back to the brown sheets.  Well I think that is all that is happening for now.  Tune back in because on Monday, I should have big news to share.  And don't forget, tomorrow is a new day with new possibilities.